While I was tucking my daughter into bed, she had been pondering her own and her sistersâ neurospiciness and other disabilities. She asked, âDad, if you knew all the challenges that we would bring, would you still have adopted us?â (She's 11 but has always been curious, empathetic, and insightful beyond her years.)
I said, âOK, hereâs the honest answer. No, I probably wouldnât have, because back then, I wouldâve been worried that I wouldnât be able to handle everything and take care of all of you like you need. But if I could go back in time and either encourage or discourage my past self about adopting all of you, I would tell myself to do it. We werenât ready, but we learned and adapted and have never once regretted any of you, and we love you all dearly. Someone once told me, âIt takes special gifts to parent someone with disabilities,â but I told them, âNo, you develop what you need based on your childâs needs. You learn to adjust and love them however they need to be loved, disabled or not.ââ
She said, âDad, I canât smile any bigger!â đ„°
Itâs so easy to feel like a burden, and I donât know about you, but at our table, we donât track encumbrance. Yes, all kinds of people, regardless of ability, bring challenges into our lives. And choosing to love them comes at a cost. Because thatâs what love is â the commitment to give of yourself for someone elseâs good.
But nobody is a burden. Everyone in your life is an opportunity to love, regardless of how easy or difficult that may be or how you have to do it. (Note: In toxic/abusive situations, that may mean walking away forever for the good of everyone involved.) But thatâs also how we grow. That's how we develop compassion and empathy. That's how we learn the nuances and varieties of love.
Everyone needs to be loved in a different way, so the greater the diversity of people we know, the more ways we learn to love.
And no matter what your experiences or needs are, you are not a burden. You are deserving of love, and anyone who loves you benefits from loving you, because thatâs how love works.
As costly as our relationships may be, the more we love and accept othersâ love, the more we level up. Because in the real world, we may not learn to teleport, but every opportunity to exercise or experience kindness and compassion gives us XP to be heroes to each other.
Love is not deserved. Itâs given and received freely, or it's not truly love. (Although it grows more when shared mutually.)
My kids are amazing, the most compassionate youâll ever meet. Theyâre my heroes (and my favorite D&D players!), and every day Iâm learning to be more like them and to love like they do.
Thanks for sharing with me in the magic of lifting each other up at the same time. |